Grey Matters

Hello,
I have just started a fresh juice diet to detox! Its one I did before and after my operation to remove my brain tumour.
But this time Iv decided to be not as strict with the juice diet. I will allow myself little treats every now and then. To make up for these little treats I will be on it for a longer period of time. It works out great because I have friends who are over from Germany and this allows us to go out to dinner and drinks! I ended up having 4 pints of beer! Well those were the ones that I remember drinking!
This brings me to the theme of todays blog:
Meeting new people when out socially.
The friends who are over from Germs I am really close with and know about my BT. But there happened to be someone who I had not met before who joined us.
I forgot what it was like to be faced with certain questions that comes along with meeting new people like:
What do you do?
Where do you live?
Who do you live with?
Im getting more comfortable with answering these types of questions. For a long time these questions would strike fear into my wee heart. I was worried people would judge me if I said I didnt work and live with my mum.
Im not sure why I did it... but I would leave out the bit that I am still recovering from a brain tumour.
I would leave out information on how I have my own website and facebook support group...and now blog!
I would leave out the bit that I co facilitate my own support group for people living with brain tumours and that I recently had an article written about said group in my local paper.
I would leave out the part where I often volunteered.
And I would leave out the fact that at this moment in time Im doing a program that runs for 6 months called Opening Doors. Its a run by my local council to help combat social isolation in the community. 
Thats what im "doing"

I have to admit that I think part of me thought about the fact that because no money is being paid into my account does that make it.. less than? Is it less valid/worthy/respectable/impressive because Im not getting paid for the work that im doing?
I have worked since I was 15yrs old and I always defined my work as something I get paid to do. So I could not help having these thoughts, questions, musings in my head.

There are so many grey areas with that one simple question that Id never taken into consideration before. And because alot of what I do now involves BT's I would find myself unable to find it with in me to even mention anything to do with a having a brain tumour when in the company of someone new.
Its seems just too much information when you meet someone for the first time, to drop that bomb on them. It can be a real conversation killer.
So...Id be left standing there (usually with drink in hand) mumbling something like "Im in between jobs at the moment."
Not even dare mentioning that I live with my mum!
And the epilepsy..nup! Zip it!

When confronted with the question of "what do you do" I felt like I would of liked a giant wall to appear in front of me. Rumbling up from the ground to separate me from the person that was asking the question so they could not catch my furtive glances left and right trying to think of something..anything to say..before I ran off out of embarrassment with my arms flailing in the air!
I didnt want them to see me lost for words....or just plain lost.

So whats with all this over analysis with one simple question:
What do you do?
 But these are the things I had to live with, these sorts of weird things I worried about and were running around my mind causing complete anarchy within.
Over something so simple...or so it seemed.

Why would one be so threatened with this question?
Am I ashamed? No!
I dont think so..
Am I embarrassed? A little...
Am I an extremely private person? Yes!
Its hard to pin point one particular reason for it reducing me to feeling like...nothing.. 

Part of me just didnt want to go around telling every one that I have a brain tumour. Its a very intimate piece of knowledge about myself, that I wasnt ready to share. Also It can be a real conversation killer when meeting new people.

I think also partly..I underestimated people. Sometimes I would find myself extremely drunk and when I had built a drunk bond with them and even though I had met them for the first time, I found myself telling them I had a brain tumour. Every time they would be concerned and ask if i was ok and to and say all the really genuine things a person you just met could possibly say. Maybe I only had the guts to do it when I was drunk...maybe I was testing them and myself. Maybe I was experimenting with how to tell people.
Who knows...

Im happy to say now that I have built a bit of a bridge and Im learning to get over it. I am trying to learn not to care so much about what other people think.
I have learnt that this IS part of my reality and it is part of my life and its ok to talk about it- but when I choose to. In my situation, its kinda hard not too!

So these thoughts are what came up for me this Friday. Its good because I can now see how far I have come.

Now when asked that once dreaded question, it depends on the vibe of the new company Im in and the mood I am in, whether I tell them or not, what it is that I "do"

Thank you and until next time, take care of your selves and each other. xsx